


That'll Be The Bears

by Biscuit Lion (cookiethelion)



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: M/M, Mild Language, Not a Crossover, the crossover bit's a little too mild to count as one I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 17:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3618897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiethelion/pseuds/Biscuit%20Lion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Josh rents a house in the countryside where his nearest neighbours are a pack of bears; and his landlord, Alex, is a bit too casual about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That'll Be The Bears

**Author's Note:**

> Regarding the crossover thing, there are elements of Triple Town involved, but it's too background-based to really count as a proper crossover. If you don't know what [Triple Town](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple_Town) is, it is a strategy puzzle game played on a 6x6 grid. To quote from the Wikipedia page:
>
>> Players are given random tiles, most often grass tiles, that they must place on the grid. When three or more identical tiles adjoin, they merge into one more advanced tile at the position of the last tile placed: three grass tiles become a bush, three bushes a tree, three trees a hut, three huts a house, and so forth.
> 
> (The rest of the chain goes house->mansion->castle->sky castle->triple sky castle)
> 
> There are also bear tiles that move around the board. Once trapped, the bear dies and becomes a gravestone, and three gravestones make a church. Three churches make a cathedral, and three cathedrals make a treasure chest, which disappears off the board whenever the player claims it.

1\. ~~Noise at night~~ BEARS  
2\. Spare room  
3\. Landlord??????

The first mistake Josh makes is to go on a hunt for a pen with the list in one hand, and Blu-tack in the other. He keeps his list affix on the wall facing his bed because it reminds him about any issues he has with his tenancy; and as the idea of Alex, his landlord, finding this list and questioning him and wanting him to elaborate on each point mortifies him, the bedroom is the perfect place to hide it.

He finds a pen downstairs in the living room, and places the list and Blu-tack on the coffee table before he sits down. He picks up the pen, and holds it over the question marks, but shakes his head after some deliberation, and puts it down for the Blu-tack again. He rolls the adhesive into an oval ball with his thumb and index finger, but his eyes remain on the question marks. They were only there because Josh has no idea what to make of Alex, or how to express it in words; and now, he’s not sure if he’s using the correct punctuation either. He could draw an emoji instead, and, if it looks shit, pass it off as a box to place a tick in, though it would make for one strange to-do list.

Then there’s a knock on the door, and Josh goes to get it. As he walks down the corridor, it occurs to him that it could be Alex. So far, he’s 21 days into his tenancy, and has seen Alex for 17 of them. It’s not like he’s counting, but Josh knows that it’s not normal behaviour for a landlord to knock on his door that frequently, or staying round until both their dinners are about to classify as midnight snacks instead.

Besides, there are 17 houses and a church in their area of the countryside, and 27 residents altogether; and out of the 26 possible visitors, 25 of them aren’t Alex. Except, of course, in scenarios like this, the most unlikely always becomes the likeliest, and Josh rolls his eyes as he opens his door and sees Alex.

“Oh, it’s you,” says Josh, feigning disinterest as he notes this as the eighteenth visit. There’s a faint roar in the distance; Josh flinches, and Alex doesn’t react.

“Oi oi,” says Alex, smiling, and he barges in with two six-packs of beer. That was the thing about Alex; Josh never saw him look angry or upset, and the closest he came to those emotions was whenever he spoke about an irritation. Still, Josh is glad for company, until he spots Alex heading for the living room, and runs in after him.

Alex dumps the beer on the floor, and swipes the list off the table. Josh lingers by the doorway and presses his lips together, which puffs up his cheeks a little. He wants to disappear into the kitchen to grab some refreshments, but before he can offer it, Alex turns around.

“What is it? A to-do list?” says Alex.

“No, it isn’t,” says Josh, and even though he wants to walk in and take the list off Alex’s hand, he tries to play it cool instead, like this isn’t bothering him as much as it really is. “Why would I finish a to-do list with landlord?”

“You tell me.”

“If you have to know, the first one’s about those bears–”

“Your neighbours.”

“They are not my neighbours.” It was a strange piece of logic, but as Josh’s house was a little further out than the others, a technicality meant the nearest living things to him were a pack of bears in a wood several acres away. According to Alex, none of his previous tenants – or anyone else who had once inhabited a house there – had been killed by one; but, as Josh argues, it still leaves room for someone to be the first victim.

“Your voice always does that, doesn’t it?”

“Do what?”

“Go up when you get flustered.”

“I am _not_ flustered,” Josh says in an even higher pitch, and shakes his head when Alex starts to giggle. “I’m _annoyed_. I’m living near _bears_ , and my landlord is doing fuck all to make me safe.”

“Alright, I’m only winding you up,” says Alex. Josh catches his eye, and feels his cheeks heat up as he takes in the way Alex’s eyebrows arch, and the little wrinkles that appears on the bridge of his nose whenever he laughs. It’s kind of cute, Josh tells himself, and he looks down at his feet to stop his blushes from deepening.

The next thing he hears Alex say is, “Look, the extension’s almost done. I’m just waiting on the windows, electrics, and more insulation. I guess that’s what you mean by spare room?”

Josh nods, and there’s another roar. Josh jumps, and notices the living room window is open. He stops himself from walking over to close it by a crack, and shifts his position so he leans on the doorframe, with his shoulder taking most of his weight. A side effect, though, is he ends up dropping his hip, and he catches Alex eyeing the outline of his body.

“But seriously, mate, what do you mean by landlord? And why are there so many question marks?”

Josh shrugs, and says, “Maybe I’m not convinced my landlord’s acting in my best interests.”

“Have you actually seen any of the bears?” says Alex, showing unconcern in his voice and looks.

“No, but–”

“Have you been almost murdered by one?”

“No.”

“Then you’re fine. I promised you can move out of here, and you will.”

That was the other thing about Alex which prompted the question marks; how could he relax when he knew his tenant was probably close to becoming a meal for some bears? It was the same nonchalance that had been present when he first told Josh about his neighbours (“Oh, that’ll be the bears”); and no matter how much Josh was in love with Alex, he was a shoo-in for worst landlord.

Alex kneels down by a six-pack and pulls out his house keys from his back pocket.

“No-one’s ever been killed by one before,” he says as he saws the packaging apart. “Bears have been here long before us. They say the church’s built over dead ones.”

“What?”

“Yeah, apparently they dug up three bodies when they first built it, and continued anyway because–”

“No. That’s not true, is it? It can’t be. That’s unbelievable.”

“Well, no-one knows. Drink?”

Josh walks in and kneels down to prise a can out of the packaging. “Surely you’d get rid of the bones before continuing on.”

Alex shrugs. “People were weird back then. Listen, I can’t stay as long today.”

“Oh, right. When do you need to go?”

“Around five, six-ish.”

"OK." Josh sits down on the sofa the usual way, with one leg on top of the other. Alex almost does the same, except the leg he crooks rests over the other one, and he slumps into the back of the sofa. When he’s not holding his drink, he places an arm over the back.

It doesn’t take long for Josh to forget about any time restraints. All seventeen visits before have always ended up like this, but it is in the last three that Josh realises he starts sitting upright, and ends the evening also slouching, though he keeps his hands in his lap. He can never recite their conversations afterwards, or remember half the topics they cover. It leaves him wondering how they manage to talk for so long, or how two six-packs last the whole visit, a statistic that surprises Josh given how fast he can finish one pack on his own.

At some point, Josh moves to grab the remote control, but never turns on the TV, and nor can he remember which channel he wanted. He can’t recall getting more beer either, so it surprises him when, at around half five, he spots several empty, partially crushed cans on the table, and four left in the packaging.

“I need to go,” says Alex, and Josh swears there’s disappointment in his eyes as he stretches and stands up.

“Oh,” is all Josh can think to say. He lifts both legs onto the sofa so Alex can walk past, but the latter stays still.

“I can spare a few more minutes,” says Alex. “If you want to walk with me? I can show you the house when we get there.”

The second mistake Josh makes is he agrees without thinking, and immediately panics about what Alex means. Alex never asks for company on the way back to his house, and Josh isn’t sure if he intends it in a platonic way. Despite his misgivings, he wastes no time in grabbing his shoes, and they are outside within minutes.

The usual route is to walk down a path that most of the other houses line, but Josh catches sight of the land round the back of the houses, the one that doesn’t have the bears. He’s been round that way once, and he knows it’s a longer route. He brushes Alex’s hand to stop him from walking too far ahead, and says, “Let’s go round the back.”

“O…K…” says Alex, with a slight frown, and then points to his right. “What, you mean down there?”

“Why not?” says Josh, and he adds a shrug to look more indifferent. “It’s not too dark, and you never know–” He breaks into a smile and raises his eyebrows, which shows off more of his eyelids than usual. “–we might run into some bears.”

Alex chuckles, and prods Josh’s forearm hard enough for the latter to recoil and wince.

“If that happens, you’re dealing with it,” says Alex.

“What, you’re going to let me die?” says Josh, and he tries to pull a sad face, but his smile refuses to disappear.

“Yeah.” Alex grins. “It’s going to be sad and all that, but a new tenant’s gonna come in after you–”

Josh’s jaw drops open, and he smacks Alex on the shoulder.

“Unbelievable,” Josh says. “And you wonder why I wrote so many question marks on that list.”

“That was really weak.”

Josh shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head as he says, “That’s not the problem.” Alex’s smile widens.

“Come on,” is all he says, and walks ahead.

They keep chatting, and don’t realise they make the detour even longer, or where they are until Josh notices Adam’s house as they pass, and they end up in the church graveyard. The first time they stop is when Josh almost walks into a knee-high headstone with no dates, and patches of moss obscuring most of the engraving save for a teddy bear.

“Do you think it’s true?” says Josh. “The whole thing about the church being built over, you know…”

“Over dead bears?” says Alex.

“Yeah.”

“Not really. I think it’s just a tale. Do you?”

“No, of course not. It’s too far-fetched. Also, if you’re building a church and you discover bodies, why would you continue building over the bodies?”

“I told you why they continued on.”

“You didn’t.”

“Didn’t I? Well, the builders never moved the bears because they were rushing to get the church finished on time.”

“On time for what?”

“A wedding,” says Alex, and he grabs Josh’s fingers, and leans in.

There were more romantic places for a first kiss than over the grave of a bear, but Josh is so caught up in the moment he doesn’t notice anything other than Alex’s lips on his. He presses his other hand to the side of Alex’s neck, and his thumb brushes his earlobe. Alex hooks his other arm around his back, and pulls him closer–

“Lads,” says a familiar voice, and Josh jumps and breaks away from Alex when he eyes Adam watching them, though they remain holding hands.

“How long have you been standing there for?” says Alex.

“Long enough.”

“Have you come to just watch us kiss?” says Josh.

“No, I haven’t. I wanted to be the first to say congratulations.” Adam smiles, but Josh spots him glancing at the church behind them.

“Thanks mate,” says Alex.

“Thanks,” says Josh. His fingers start to pinch from Alex’s hold, and he shifts his grip so that he’s doing most of the holding instead. His hand engulfs the whole of Alex’s, but there’s something nicer about the feeling of short, thick fingers in his palm, and a thumb caressing the back of his hand.

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it,” says Adam, and it doesn’t escape Josh’s attention that his eyes are looking down at their hands.

The third mistake Josh makes is holding onto Alex’s hand as they continue on towards his house. He ends up enjoying it too much, and even when Alex fishes out his keys and unlocks his front door, Josh still waits for Alex to let go for; and it takes another, quicker kiss for them to separate since leaving the graveyard.

“Look, I’m definitely gonna see you tomorrow,” says Alex, and, with a wink, shuts the door.

Under different circumstances, Josh would have seen the scaffolding around the back of Alex’s house, or paid attention to the skips full of dust and brick shards. Instead, Josh hurries back, eager for Alex’s visit tomorrow; and not only does it mean he shrugs off Adam with ease, but when he nears his house and hears another roar, he waves in the direction of the bears instead, and smiles.

When he gets in, he heads for the living room, steps over the undrunk cans, and swipes the list and pen off the table. He crosses out the question marks, and draws a heart that looks more like a square, and, without hesitation, puts a tick inside.


End file.
